Just Write

"If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write.  Write as a gift to yourself and others.  Everyone has a story to tell.  Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the "right" words.  It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice.  When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone...  If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you're good enough.  Just do it.  Be generous.  Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself."

Glennon Doyle Melton, Carry On Warrior - Thoughts on Life Unarmed 

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Wow.  I can't believe it has been nearly two years since I have posted here... Of course, it was only two weeks before that last post that I even started this blog so I should probably use the term "blog" lightly.  But whatever.  Here I am because I felt like writing today.  

The truth is that I feel like writing everyday.  I'm just actually doing it today.  There have been so many blogs written in my mind since my last post but none of them have ever made it to my fingers - which operates the keyboard - which makes the actual blog post happen.

I'm like a Ninja Blogger.  That sounds way cooler than an Inconsistent Blogger, right?

But I digress.

So today was Mother's Day and I forced myself to take some time to relax in the hammock while Mike and Susan were slaving over the dishes from the breakfast they made me earlier in the morning.  Well, I doubt Susan was slaving over anything, but whatever.  The bottom line is that I got some wonderful "me" time to just enjoy the beautiful day, the breeze, the sun, the trees, and the neighbor's yapping dogs.  It was wonderful.  Except the yapping dogs.  Those dogs really test my ability to "love thy neighbor"* sometimes.

I read the above quote in Glennon's book several weeks ago while I was in an infusion chair receiving my final dose of Tysabri, a medication I have been on for about 18-months (and for those of you who don't know, I'll save you a Google search:  I got Tysabri infusions because I have MS).  I have read a lot of books and a lot of quotes and a lot of quotes in a lot of books, but this one nailed me.  It totally messed me up to the point where a nurse came over to check on me because she saw the tears streaming down my face.  As much as I wanted to have a good sob (as in a snot flowing, shoulders shaking, can't-get-the-words-out sob) right then and there, I was able to control myself for like a whole hour.  But then "it" happened and at lunch I excused myself to go to the restroom and I just sat on the toilet and cried.  And prayed. And cried some more.  It was ugly.  And it all went down right there in that stall at The Fish Market. The people at the table next to us probably thought I was having "stomach issues" or something because poor Mike was left alone at our table for so long.  Now he knows how I feel during his "awkwardly long" visits to the restroom when we're dining together. I'm so glad I have my smartphone during those times.  That's all I have to say about that.

Back to the issue at hand.  You're probably wondering "why in the world would that quote make you want to sob?".  Or maybe you aren't wondering that... But imma tell you anyway.

Earlier in that day I met with my Neurologist and although I am doing well physically, the effects of MS have taken a toll on me emotionally and cognitively.  While I know, without a doubt, that the disease is responsible for most of these struggles, I also acknowledge that there are pieces of ME that have been missing - or at least neglected - in my life for some time now.  I have not been whole and I think know that writing is one of those missing pieces.  And as soon as I read that quote it was like God was reminding me of this.  Seriously, it was like he was telling me (I'm pretty sure it was in the voice of Morgan Freeman in my mind) "Child... You need to write. This Ninja Blogger stuff is not enough."  And he's right.  It's not enough.      

Anyway, that was like a month ago.  

But I'm here now because I felt like writing and while I was in that hammock I promised myself  I would actually do it today.  Here's hoping it's not another 2-years before I do this again.

Are there activities/hobbies in your life that you know are missing?  Things that help to make you whole?  If you feel inclined, please do share them with me in a message or in the comments.  Sometimes acknowledging these things to others gives us the boost we need to get going.

*Those are red words.  See what I did there?

God Winks

Sometimes God winks at me. I can remember my friend Amy Fisher mentioning a "God wink" a while back and I thought it was a sweet way to look at the 'little things' that happen around/to me that seem coincidental but really aren't coincidental at all. There's even a book (actually several) about God Winks. How did I know about the book? Because less than a week after Amy introduced me to the concept, I happened to be at Books-a-Million and the book just happened to be displayed on a shelf near where I just happened to be browsing.  Hmmmm...

So here goes my attempt to blog about something really cool that happened to me this morning - something definitely worth sharing. I only hope this post can do the experience justice.

One night last November (the 14th, to be exact), I awoke out of a deep sleep and immediately felt like something was wrong. I lay in bed for a few minutes and distinctly remember thinking "you needed to check Facebook." I love me some Facebook, but I do not make a habit of checking it in the middle of the night.  Ever. But this night was different. I checked Facebook and read a message from my cousin in Nevada asking me to call her as soon as I read the message.  I immediately knew.  Grandma. 

Gram was very sick and her life here on earth was ending. Less than two days later she was gone. I knew in my heart of hearts that call would come someday, but I was not ready.  My heart was broken.

Allow me to rewind a bit more...

I last saw Gram when Susan was 11-months old. Along with my parents, we made the trek to Hawthorne, Nevada, to visit her. It was a wonderful trip and of course there were photos taken on that trip. Lots of photos...  Beloved photos I would eventually... misplace. For months now I have been looking for the digital files of these photos. I have no idea where I saved them, didn't have them burned on a CD,  a USB drive or saved on my external hard drive. Not a good feeling at all. I have found myself looking for these photos many, many times since Gram died, but all of my searches came up empty.

So... Let's fast forward to 4:21 AM this morning... (dramatic pause implied)

I once again found myself wide awake when I should have been getting that last good hour of REM sleep in. I should have been dreaming about flying over or through buildings (my absolute favorite recurring dream - I literally wake up smiling). But I was wide awake.  

As I lay there, I thought about Gram (as I do often). I thought about how much I miss her and would love to be able to talk to her. I thought about how I wish I had made another trip to Nevada before she died. And then I randomly thought about the "you need to go check your Facebook night" in November. Isn't it funny how one thought just seems to lead to another?  

I felt a bit unsettled this morning, but not really in a bad way. I just couldn't sleep so I lay there trying to think of something to do. Then, it came to me... "you should get up and download/edit/save all of the photos that are currently on the (full) memory card in your camera."  

So I did.

I normally download photos directly from my camera to the computer, but this morning I decided to use my card reader in order to save my camera's battery power. I connected the card reader and Google Picasa went to work searching for the photos on my memory card...  

Be still my heart. Right there, on my screen, at 4-something in the morning, were the photos of our trip to Nevada*. Beautiful pictures of a beloved grandmother meeting her great-granddaughter for the first time...  For the last time. I just sat there, staring/smiling/crying. Memories of my Gram flooded my mind and I felt this wonderful sense of peace.  

God definitely winked at me this morning. 

*Apparently these photos had been on that memory card all along, but the files didn't show up on my current camera because I used an older camera to take them.  Since I never use my card reader, I didn't even realize this until this morning.  That's ok, though.  The timing was perfect. God wink.

Because of her...

• I drive a minivan and like it.
• I like pink.
• I know lots of words to lots of Justin Bieber songs.  Yeah...  they're even on my iPod.
• I remember how much fun it is to dye Easter eggs.  And make forts out of couch cushions.
• I remember to pack the sunscreen.
• I recycle.
• I make better decisions.
• I make better dinners.
• I celebrate the "small things" (I'm pretty sure my pee-pee dance rivaled anything MC Hammer ever did).
• I cry.
• I laugh.
• I play.
• I protect.
• I learn.
• I hope.
• I love.
• I love (more).

Learn to be still

"Boredom is a sign that one is lacking intelligence" (or something like that). I don't really remember where I heard this statement, but from time to time I find myself pondering whether or not I believe it to be true.  Basically, the gist is that if one can't occupy their mind with, well, their own mind, the result is boredom.  

I thought of this statement today, which made me think back on this past Saturday morning...  Mike was gone with his dad and Susan and I were just hanging out at the house.  We didn't have any plans, we had no place to be. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I could have been doing (hint: rhymes with quandary), but I wasn't feeling inspired, so I decided to just sit.  The sitting lasted about 10-minutes before I felt "bored".  I felt like I needed to be doing something.  The next thing I knew, the fidgets set in....  So I decided to create a blog.  But I digress.

So back to the boredom = lack of intelligence statement...  While I know I'm not a rocket scientist (because if I was, I wouldn't have time to be bored - I'd be job hunting now that NASA is dismantling), I don't think lack of intelligence is my problem.  I think I just don't know how to rest my mind*...  To be content. Still. Anybody else have that problem?

Apparently the Eagles have it all figured out.  They even wrote a song about it (a pretty good song, I might add). 

*For the record, I do know how to nap, but only when I'm tired or when I'm a passenger in a car, especially on long stretches of interstate or on Highway 280, usually between Sylacauga and Dadeville.  

I'm praying for you...

It's hard to believe, but yesterday marked a full year since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I have learned a lot about MS in the past year, and have come to the conclusion that no two people experience MS in the same way. In fact, no two days are even the same for me. On some days, I don’t notice a single symptom while on other days I have multiple symptoms. On all days I try my best not to make an issue of it… But there are times when I just can’t suppress how I’m feeling.

This was the case a few days ago. I was talking to my parents on the phone and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had a little breakdown when I was describing some of the issues I’ve been experiencing lately. When I started describing some my cognitive issues (short term memory loss, confusion, etc.), I pretty much lost it. I even said the words “I’m scared”. I hate it when I feel that way because I really do believe that where faith resides, fear fails.

Following our phone conversation, Mom sent me an e-mail that ended with these simple words: “I’m praying for you. Love, Mom”. And I know she is (praying for me). And I know that nothing she could do or say, even as my Mom, brings the kind of power that her prayers do.

So here’s my confession: My first thought was “but I need you to help me, to fix this, to do something Motherly… I need you to do more than pray.”

Wait… What?!?! Really?!?! Is my faith really that weak that I would depend on another human as opposed to the One who created me? The One who loves me more than I could ever fathom? In Tweetspeak… #epic #fail.

I'm beginning to realize I do that way too often.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6 (MSG)